I can't think of anyone to be our flower girl (or boy) and/or our ring bearer. Ugh. Why do I feel like I know zero little kids that are part of or close to our family?

I haven't posted on my blog in a long time. I feel unaccomplished today.

I feel not good at my job. I feel not good at being an artist. I feel not good at being a rider. I feel good at being a fiancee, but not good at being a wedding planner.

Things I need to do:
- take vacation time
- make things
- ride things
- buy a couch
- and dressers
- and lots of bookshelves
- find an MFA program
- make things so that I can get into an MFA program
- make phone calls
- talk to my mom more often
- talk to Joy more often
- go to Chicago so that I can try on wedding dresses
- go to the Farnsworth House so I can decide if I want to get married there
- organize my mail
- pay bills
- make some more money
- make my fiancee happy
- celebrate graduations and birthdays
- say goodbye to my friends
- wish them well
- make more things

I have cramps right now. And my period. Maybe that is why I was so sad watching 16 & Pregnant last night. It was also a very sad episode because the mother wanted to rear her child but her parents made her put her son up for adoption. It is gut-wrenching to watch a mother tear herself from her newborn when she doesn't really want to tear herself. Lori wanted to stay whole and staying whole for her meant keeping her child, no matter how hard it would have been.

Like an elephant, I would charge and demolish a person who tried to tear my baby from me.

I want so badly to be pregnant and to raise a child so that I can be whole, so that I can be inseparable for another being (literally). Of course, the act of child birth is already an act of tearing baby from mother. Which, I think will be traumatic for me personally. I will have a hard time ripping my child away from my body. But with that, there are a million joys that come from holding and cuddling and teaching and feeding and growing with child.

The act of adoption is a second act of tearing. This is the right choice for some mothers and some childs, of course. But I cannot begin to imagine the trauma of first physically tearing child from mother and second sending mother to one home and child to another. Birth mothers often hold their babies once out of the uterus and a get a chance to hold, cuddle, feed, breathe child. But then they must be torn again. Not just the mother is torn, the child is also torn.

Adoption is a the best option for some mothers and some fathers and some childs and I do not fault mothers, fathers or childs who come to this conclusion after careful consideration. In fact, I empathize greatly with them and appreciate their strength to overstep all intuitive and physiological signals that urge mothers (and fathers) to keep childs. But it is violent. Adoption is the ultimate act of cleavage.

It is so foggy right now that when I look outside my window, all I can possibly see is the color gray. Or grey.

The things inside of me want to make.

I want to pick my life up
Out of an IKEA catalog,
With Mary Jo.

I forgot what I was going to post. It is so irritating when that happens.