I can't think of anyone to be our flower girl (or boy) and/or our ring bearer. Ugh. Why do I feel like I know zero little kids that are part of or close to our family?

I haven't posted on my blog in a long time. I feel unaccomplished today.

I feel not good at my job. I feel not good at being an artist. I feel not good at being a rider. I feel good at being a fiancee, but not good at being a wedding planner.

Things I need to do:
- take vacation time
- make things
- ride things
- buy a couch
- and dressers
- and lots of bookshelves
- find an MFA program
- make things so that I can get into an MFA program
- make phone calls
- talk to my mom more often
- talk to Joy more often
- go to Chicago so that I can try on wedding dresses
- go to the Farnsworth House so I can decide if I want to get married there
- organize my mail
- pay bills
- make some more money
- make my fiancee happy
- celebrate graduations and birthdays
- say goodbye to my friends
- wish them well
- make more things

I have cramps right now. And my period. Maybe that is why I was so sad watching 16 & Pregnant last night. It was also a very sad episode because the mother wanted to rear her child but her parents made her put her son up for adoption. It is gut-wrenching to watch a mother tear herself from her newborn when she doesn't really want to tear herself. Lori wanted to stay whole and staying whole for her meant keeping her child, no matter how hard it would have been.

Like an elephant, I would charge and demolish a person who tried to tear my baby from me.

I want so badly to be pregnant and to raise a child so that I can be whole, so that I can be inseparable for another being (literally). Of course, the act of child birth is already an act of tearing baby from mother. Which, I think will be traumatic for me personally. I will have a hard time ripping my child away from my body. But with that, there are a million joys that come from holding and cuddling and teaching and feeding and growing with child.

The act of adoption is a second act of tearing. This is the right choice for some mothers and some childs, of course. But I cannot begin to imagine the trauma of first physically tearing child from mother and second sending mother to one home and child to another. Birth mothers often hold their babies once out of the uterus and a get a chance to hold, cuddle, feed, breathe child. But then they must be torn again. Not just the mother is torn, the child is also torn.

Adoption is a the best option for some mothers and some fathers and some childs and I do not fault mothers, fathers or childs who come to this conclusion after careful consideration. In fact, I empathize greatly with them and appreciate their strength to overstep all intuitive and physiological signals that urge mothers (and fathers) to keep childs. But it is violent. Adoption is the ultimate act of cleavage.

It is so foggy right now that when I look outside my window, all I can possibly see is the color gray. Or grey.

The things inside of me want to make.

I want to pick my life up
Out of an IKEA catalog,
With Mary Jo.

I forgot what I was going to post. It is so irritating when that happens.

Morning Edition on NPR featured a very poignant piece on campus sexual assault and rape. I wish I could get everyone on campus to listen to this. Or everyone in the country.

Please listen to the article and share it with EVERYONE!

Oh! I've thought of another thing that I can look forward to: BASEBALL SEASON! YESSSSSSSSS!



In other news, I hope this stupid vacay dilemma for the T&S concert gets sorted out.

Crazy crazy crazy.

There's a whole in my heart.

It was created when the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics ended.

Maurice McDavid

Responding to an anonymous letter is not like boxing with a shadow. A shadow is inanimate and inactive. Writing or receiving a letter, whether or not you sign it or it is signed, is still taking an active role. Unless you have ever interacted with a shadow that writes and presents arguments, this situation is not like boxing with a shadow.

Not responding to anonymous letters is a passive response. Not responding is sulking.

Responding to anonymous letters (while I do fault the original accuser for failing to identify her or himself) is proactive and offers some attempt to create a dialog, to address concerns, to present various viewpoints and perspectives. Responding to anonymous letters allows you to empower yourself, even if the person who wrote the letter has decided not to empower him or herself.

Perhaps this person is remaining anonymous because she or he feels threatened or has been emotional or physically attacked recently. Perhaps this author is afraid that she or he will be personally attacked or harassed for writing this letter. There are some instances in which it is acceptable, and in which I would argue, it is best to remain anonymous. Perhaps you have information about a drug lord who has been killing people, wouldn't it be safer for you to report this anonymously? If you are the of the non-dominant gender, race, sexual orientation (or other signifier) it may be unsafe to raise accusations if the person you feel attacked or threatened by has dominance or power over you.

Do I think it is better to sign your letters? YES. Do I think it is better to respond to an anonymous letter rather than do nothing? YES. Do I think it is important to take a proactive role in contributing to a safe environment that encourages and creates dialogs about concerns? Absolutely.

This article posted on Slog, The Stranger Blog, has relevancy to recent events.

It is written by Sarah Ann Lloyd, a fellow nova project aluma.

We should all strive to be a little bit less like Rep. Nancy Elliott from New Hampshire, and a little bit more like LBIP, as discussed in Savage Love this week.

The System of Sexual Assault and Rape.

I haven't often pondered the fact that we define "consent" as a situation when someone has not said no. How alarming.

Consent needs to be defined as a situation where all parties involved enthusiastically and verbally say Yes.

Sometimes it is even difficult for me to say NO.

I consider myself a well-educated, self-confident, feminist, non-heteronormative, queer female. I am rarely afraid to voice my opinion or concern. I don't think that men inherently are more capable, powerful or should automatically have access to or ownership of female bodies.

I embrace my role as a professional in a business-oriented profession. I am not afraid or ashamed to wear short skirts, lipstick, jewelry or sit on the couch, watch my favorite baseball team and shove my face full of nachos and chili. I am do my best to slip through and overstep the categories society typically places someone of my gender and sexual orientation into.

It is STILL difficult for me to say the words: "No. Stop what you are doing," in situations where I feel physically, emotionally or sexually uncomfortable. Despite my efforts to move past what are my socially constructed (and reinforced) "normative" behaviors, I have had (before I entered a monogamous relationship with a female), trouble using direct language to prevent unwanted sexual advances or to stop unwanted sexual activity. In situations with unwanted sexual advances, I often found myself acting coy, unoffensive and dismissive--trying to stop the unwanted behavior without being "rude" or "bitchy." (Maybe this is because I often found myself in situations like this with friends and peers whom I respected or enjoyed spending time with).

I know that I am not alone. Many of my closest female friends, who are also well-education, self-empowered feminists, have also had trouble saying the simple two letter word "no." I can only begin to imagine how difficult it may be for women who are less self-confidant or feel and even greater need to conform to "normative" female gender roles.

We need to talk about this more often.

Here is a great article: On the Difficulty of "Saying No"

Please consider this marvelous, honest and gut-wrenching perspective on sexual assault and rape.

Rape Analogy: The "Walking in a Bad Neighborhood" Theory

If I were in New York, I would be looking forward to the William Kentridge show.

Here is a list of things I am looking forward to in the next two months.

- Great Bowls of Soup with Jennifer
- Tegan and Sara Concert


There are only two things on this list. And Great Bowls of Soup is tonight.

Note to self: don't get very very little sleep then go to work early in the morning.


I am not healthy right now (sleep and nourishment wise).

I'm my own toughest critic.

I've always thought this saying was silly, but it really really applies to me.

Tea Party?

What is the role and/or purpose of for-profit institutions of learning?

Would you use your toothbrush for this?

I am in great anticipation for tonight's prime Olympic programming. Lysacek, Plushenko, Takahashi and women's snowboard halfpipe!

This is by far my favorite Olympics Games I've ever watched. So many breathtaking athletes! I wish I had seen halfpipe in person!!!!

Sometimes when I see people make history while watching the Olympics, I feel like I am part of something so much bigger than myself. How silly.

Reeeeeady.

Why do they say it so oddly at the start of a speed skating race?

I am trying to imagine what it would be like to be the owner of my very own, private halfpipe so I could prepare to snowboard in the Olympics.

I vow to get my work done.

In order for this to not be an empty promise, I need to actually do things.


How can one expect me to do things while the 2010 Winter Olympics are in action?


Does every one realize how soon March 7th is? Because I didn't until today.

There are so many things I am not good at. No matter how many great things I have accomplished in the last four years, I have had immensely disappointing failures.

I want to be connected in the way only one with one inside can be connect to one another.

It is so overwhelming to have 63 new emails, but so gratifying when that number decreases as I reply to emails.

I think in May, I will have a big celebration.

See, the internet is such that when you post something on it, other people can see it. Sometimes you want certain people to see that which you posted, but you do not want other people to see that which you posted. Sometimes, because of this danger, you post cryptically. Sometimes that which you post is too cryptic, sometimes too easily interpreted.

Can someone explain this urge that I have to post that which should not be posted on the internet?


Tasha, you know exactly what I am talking about.

I am going to make
things of honey and sugar.


That is not a metaphorical poem. That is a statement about actions I plan to take soon.

I guess there are some people that decide to say good-bye and never again say hello.

Today's column of Savage Love seems particularly pertinent to conversations I have recently had.

Don't pretend you are pleasing me when you are pleasing yourself.
Don't pretend that the things you feel and do (or do not do) are the things that I feel and I do.


How dare you say things about your innards as if they are my innards.

This sensation is so big that it does not fit inside of me alone.

It's like when you have a dream and someone protects you, then you wake up and love that person in the flesh.

I feel like today I don't want to be inside of this skin I am in.

Sometimes rib cages get in the way.

Today I ordered cheese cloth, citric acid and vegetarian rennet so that I can attempt to make homemade mozzarella.

Maybe it will be delicious, maybe it will not be.

Some people do things and make decisions that bother me.

I enjoyed very much the food ate and the company I kept last night.

I am looking forward to basketball games in Memorial Gym this night.

When I have stacks of letters to sign I feel important.

I am delighted that tomorrow is Ground Hog's Day! I used to really love celebrating this holiday in school when I was a young child.

I plan to make vegetarian mozzarella cheese from scratch. How many people know that cheese is typically made with meat products?

There are some people that I see nearly ever day (read: Brandy, Tasha and Dee). If I go two days or more without seeing these people, everything starts to go fuzzy.

I am looking forward to roasting grape tomatoes with Tasha.


I want to make mozzarella with Josh this week--that is my plan. Don't you think the idea of making fresh mozzarella by hand is divine?

There has been nothing to blog about in my life for the last few days.

Today is one of those days when I don't want to do any of the things I need to do. I want to lay (in the sunshine) and read books by interesting intellectuals.

There are just some people I really appreciate. Some of those people would be Brandy and Dee and Tasha and my cousin Maddison and Josh and Jennifer. These people bring joy to my life regularly.

Picasso's painting has a six inch tear in it, due to a woman who lost her balance and fell into it. Many are concerned the value will go down.

When Duchamp's masterwork was shattered, he was delighted.

In an earlier post, I commented on how much I appreciate Michelle Obama's honesty when it comes to long term monogamous relationships, such as her marriage to President Barack.

After Obama's State of the Union address, I realize how appreciative of his honesty I am. It always bothers me when public figures attempt to create an image of stoicism and perfection when reality is not so. I find it deeply troubling, still, when public figures acknowledge flaws, conflicts or problems that need to be addressed but then quickly undermine this honesty by saying these problems will be resolved with little or no instability or strife.

This sort of deceit is troubling when any public figure fails to be honest, but is most troubling to me when politician display this cowardly, childish behavior. George W. Bush so loved to delude himself and many Americans that the U.S. has an answer for everything, a solution to every problem and we are never really in a position where we could fail, or perhaps even worse, use the wrong solution (read: War with Iraq) to fix an entirely different problem (read: Al Queda attacks based in Afghanistan). One does not have to look hard to find an example of Bush behaving this way. The first article google pulled up about George Bush's State of the Union was text from his 2008 speech. The speech began:

"Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. We have faced hard decisions about peace and war, rising competition in the world economy, and the health and welfare of our citizens. These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it's fair to say we've answered that call. Yet history will record that amid our differences, we acted with purpose. And together, we showed the world the power and resilience of American self-government."

And we can clearly see how he continuously undermines any presentation of flaws in America, concluded that the US always acts in a just, righteous and appropriate manner. I think Bush holds a deep-seeded belief that if one acknowledges any flaws, this is an indication of weakness and therefore exposes you to your enemies. It is despicable. We all have flaws. None of us have the answer to every question. The Industrialized Western World doesn't have all of the knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes we FUCK UP--real bad, say by invading the wrong country. To convey any other picture of the U.S.A. is beyond dishonest, and, frankly, right in line with our typical egotistical inflated self-image and superiority complex.


Barack Obama, while I don't always agree with his actions and while I think he has done next to nothing for the queer community (despite his many promises), must be commended for his ability to recognize our collective flaws.

Obama begins his speech similarly to Bush:
"It's tempting to look back on these moments and assume that our progress was inevitable -- that America was always destined to succeed. But when the Union was turned back at Bull Run, and the Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, victory was very much in doubt. When the market crashed on Black Tuesday, and civil rights marchers were beaten on Bloody Sunday, the future was anything but certain. These were the times that tested the courage of our convictions and the strength of our union. And despite all our divisions and disagreements, our hesitations and our fears, America prevailed because we chose to move forward as one nation, as one people."

However, Obama makes reference to much darker times than Bush ever did and speaks with clarity and specificity.

He continues:
"Again, we are tested. And again, we must answer history's call.
One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by a severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse and a government deeply in debt. Experts from across the political spectrum warned that if we did not act, we might face a second depression. So we acted -- immediately and aggressively. And one year later, the worst of the storm has passed."

"But the devastation remains. One in 10 Americans still cannot find work. Many businesses have shuttered. Home values have declined. Small towns and rural communities have been hit especially hard. And for those who'd already known poverty, life has become that much harder." (emphasis mine)

He lays it out clearly, without hesitation. We acted quickly, but our response wasn't flawless. We acted quickly, but our economy is still a shit-show. He goes on to say that recent economic events have "compounded the burdens" we face.

Later in his speech he says:
"So I know the anxieties that are out there right now. They're not new. These struggles are the reason I ran for president. These struggles are what I've witnessed for years in places like Elkhart, Ind., Galesburg, Ill."

He is willing to admit that not all of the actions we take are well received, "...we all hated the bank bailout. I hated it. I hated it. You hated it. It was about as popular as a root canal."


He recognizes the discomfort involved in trying to balance the many different wishes and ideas of the people (read: Lobbyist and politicians, but nonetheless): "As hard as it may be, as uncomfortable and contentious as the debates may become, it's time to get serious about fixing the problems that are hampering our growth."

Near the end of his speech, he made a statement that probably best illustrates my point: "But remember this -- I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy. That's just how it is." (emphasis mine)

By creating a false and inflated sense of perfection, we weaken ourselves--this is the time when we are most vulnerable. Having the ability to be sincere and genuine about our own short comings, have the ability to reevaluate our decisions and course of actions, to admit that it is possible for us to fail--this is where we find strength. It is only through constant self-reflection are we able to grow and work towards a better life and better society. I applaud President Obama for at least taking a step towards a more realistic self-perception of the U.S.A. This flawed and fucked up perception of America is one I can believe in. ...and one that I can make a commitment to, one that I can hope to improve, on the that I can envision change for.


Bush's 2008 State of The Union
Obama's 2010 State of the Union

I am also envious of Marcel Duchamp's ability to scribble. I wish I were a good scribbler and I wish I were Duchamp.

I am still envious of her blog, and thus her ability to write...or scribble, maybe I am envious of her scribblings....

Nova graduates do great things!

Sometimes we read things about people that cause us to entirely reconsider how we perceive those we interact with, how people make decisions and how we come to an understanding of the entirety of a "self" (whether that be our own "self" or a "self" of someone we interact with), through a series of reconciling conflicting schema and what we assume to be mutually exclusive parts of "selves". In other words, it is not always readily understood how my perception of some can include a series of opposing decisions made and rationalizations made by that person (or a multiplicity of incongruous actions and explanations).

Today I read one such text that caused me to reevaluate one of my own schemas.

Tomorrow I am cooking with a friend. I wish I was doing that right now.

Basically, I am famous because my former roomie is basically famous.

I feel like I am operating closer to 100 percent today and it feels good. Despite what we tell ourselves when we want to procrastinate, being productive is amazing.

I heard this very interesting story on NPR about the feebleness of our rational brains. All you have to do to confuse your rational brain, is give it a seven-digit number to memorize. Then your emotional brain will be free to do what it pleases.

Listen.

Last night, Mark Holmes was in my dream.


I miss Open Studio more than I am willing to admit.

The snot-freezing cold is back.

I need someone to help me file my taxes. This is something I am completely inept at and I blame that on my parents.

You have to be honest. You have to be genuine. You have to lead independent, autonomous lives.

You will be manipulative sometimes. Your partner will be manipulative sometimes. Sometimes other people will be attractive. Sometimes other people will be attracted to you. You will NOT always understand each other. You will not have a divine connection to each other every minute of every day. Sometimes the sex will be bad. All of this is okay.

I feel almost like nothing is possible right now.

I got a real bad paper cut in the crook of my hand this morning. It stopped bleeding. Now it is bleeding again.

The things that I need to be writing right now are not of the creative or self-reflective variety, unfortunately.

I still wish my blog was her blog.

My brain feels clogged up with snot of a non-physical sort.

I went shopping on Saturday. I bought a new winter coat (which seems like a silly end-of-January purchase), 2 black cardigans, 1 navy blue cardigan, 1 lilac cardigan, 2 argyle 3/4 length sleeve sweaters, a green turtle neck, a cat litter box with a lid, a cat play cube (a building block to a kitty city), a new tire dog toy, a pop-up "doghouse," and a 25 pound bag of cat food. I enjoy shopping.


My wish list for clothing:
- 1 or 2 pairs of black slacks
- 1 pair navy slacks
- 1 or 2 pairs of gray slacks
- 1 or 2 brown suit jackets
- some new shoes (as always)
- 1 beautiful wedding dress


I am trying to decide who to take dress shopping and where to go and when.

I want to continue my research on Marcel Duchamp.

There are so many decisions to make in life. Sometimes I want to say YES to them all.

Last night I had a dream that Bill Clinton spoke at Ripon commencement. I flew through the sky to Ripon and saw Leila, who was chatting casually with Clinton. I went over to talk to him and I started to tell him about the love of my life and he asked me when I was getting married. Immediately I began to sob and said, I cannot get married until Illinois legalizes gay marriage. Clinton was overcome with emotion and he, too, began to weep. Our sadness connected to the core of the earth. He told me I needed money to get married, to get married somewhere else. He pulled several hundred dollar bills out of his coat pocket, still weeping, and offered me all this money to make it possible for Brandy and I to get married somewhere else.

Also, then the devil became the heat miser and he was tormenting our house. I was a child again, running about my house trying to escape the heat miser. Then Bill Clinton and Tianna Cervantez each dressed up like the snow miser and hand gloves made of ice. The dressed up like the snow miser to protect me from the heat miser. They had done this the year before, because, as you know, the heat miser torments children every year. The only way to defeat him is to dress up like the snow miser and scare him away.

Have you ever felt like you were breathing a person in, in the same way our nostrils absorb such luscious aromas when we fully immerse our noses in a bouquet of fresh lavender and lilacs?

I have had a fabulous afternoon at work. Right now I am all smiles!

Do you think animals are capable of consenting to sexual acts with humans?

I think animals are capable of not consenting (Dogs can bite, bark, scratch. Horses can kill a person with one kick of the hoof).


One time Dan Savage interviewed a Kentucky man that married a horse. Dan asked this man if the horse was a wife horse or a husband horse. The man replied by saying "WELL, I'm NOT a homosexual!"

So apparently there was a dozen roses that were supposed to come with the strawberries. Someone at Knox signed for them from FedEx. Apparently someone signed for them and picked them up from the mail room. But these roses are no where to be found. I think someone stole my roses.

Look.



I am hungry for more than one thing.

I have a friend and she has a better blog than I do. I have realized that I just want my blog to be hers, but we are not the same person and thus should think and write different things. For some reason, I am envious of her blog. I guess since she is a writer, it makes sense that she would have a better written blog.

I want a baby. When I find out that a friend is pregnant, I have mixed feelings (but I am mostly excited to see cute baby pictures).

More than having an ugly baby, I am afraid of having a stupid baby or a republican baby...or both. I don't know what I would do!

I love Frank Warren, don't get me wrong, but can we please invite Dan Savage to campus?

Today she sent me a dozen chocolate covered strawberries.

And the flowers are blooming.

Today my fiancee sent flowers to my office. Why? Because she is the best fiancee ever!

The other day, someone asked me what the library would be used for. I found this question to be quite puzzling.

I think since so few people rely on print materials as a primary source of news, it is fully appropriate for us to take advantage of technology and the fact that any person with an internet connection (and a properly screwed-on head) can be experts about the news that is occurring around us in a highly localized area. I, being in Galesburg or more specifically on the Knox College campus, could provide expert and immediate information about an occurrence here on campus. I cannot provide any expert accounts of newsworthy events in Roma, Tokyo, Lima or Haiti. But people who work for MSNBC and can travel to Haiti are fully capable of reporting on those events based on first hand accounts (and a huge media conglomerate is alfo fully capable of disseminating this information to many people quickly). I see no problem with local news sources giving preferential attention to local news, of which they can provide (hopefully) accurate and up-to-date information.

I am still at work. I don't know why I am still here. I don't know why I am posting about this. Probably because having a blog is still a novelty. Probably also because I am much to vain.

Ok, this is really why I decided to create a blog today:

I am frustrated by the fact that we (as a collective) have created so many mythical paradigms that we expect each other to live up to. None of us can live up to these idealized constraints and thus we all feel inadequate at some point or another.

For example, we have created a myth that "true love" means that if you have true love, you will never again have any sort of attraction to anyone other than your true love. We perpetuate the myth that you should just "know" when you are truly in love with "the one" and it will be easy to be happily wedded to "the one" forever. That is NOT true. I love my fiancee more than anyone and anything on this planet and I wouldn't trade the universe for her. But I still recognize that sometimes I will have silly third grade crushes on other people and she will too. This attraction to others is not something to be threatened by, it doesn't lessen the love or intimacy my fiancee and I share. It would by so false for us to say that we never feel any attraction to another soul. What is important is that we do not feel an impulse to act on these menial attractions to others. What is also important is that we acknowledge that our relationship is not infallible, our commitment to each other will not always come easily.

I must applaud Michelle Obama and her efforts to be honest about what a union of two people can realistically be--“The bumps happen to everybody all the time, and they are continuous,” said Michelle in an interview with Jodi Kantor (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/01/magazine/01Obama-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1, page 2). It is only fair to be honest about the fact that entangling the lives of two people will be challenging for as long as those to lives are tangled together. In fact, I think being honest about this is the only way to have longevity in a union like a marriage. It is because I am able to go to my fiancee and say "Baby, I have a crush on this girl and I love you," that we are able to maintain and build such a strong bond with one another.


I intended to also discuss false ideals of gender and gender roles such, but other mythical paradigms that we create will have to wait for another time.

A couple weeks ago, Dee, Tasha and I made soup. Making food is one of the things I like to make with my hands and this soup was totally delicious. It was like a variation on French Onion Soup. Started with lots of caramelized onions, then we added so cremini mushrooms (which are exactly the same as baby portabella mushrooms, for those of you who don't know). We added lots of vegetable stock and some heavy cream too.

We severed it with a nice, crunchy baguette and some imported cheese. The name of the cheese was in German and I don't remember what it was called, but it meant "Butter cheese" or something to that effect. It was a sweet, mild, silky cheese. The meal was delicious and so was the company.

I have started a blog because I have ideas and because I want to write more and because I want to make more things. We should all make more things with our hands.